Kats (wildrider) wrote,
Kats
wildrider

  • Mood:

Introspection

This week I got a pleasant shock to discover that people at work really do seem to like me (/sally field) -- they want me around, and seem to actually listen to my opinions and ideas. I mean, in theory I knew I was needed and all, but actually LIKED, well, not to sound like I'm fishing or anything, but that's often been a novelty for me...

Tomorrow would have been my brother's 45th birthday. I can't quite imagine what Tim would have been like at 45, but I like to think he'd have come out good, if he'd stayed clean and made it; I would like to think we'd have become close again, as we grew and matured. On the other hand, if Tim were still alive, would Mom and I be as close? I know she's never said it, but he was her "favorite," as far as that goes with mothers and children -- she was devastated when he died, and in the years that followed, I got older (and to a huge extent, wiser), and we got closer.

I sometimes wonder what exactly stunted me in my late teens/early twenties that it took me so long to grow up... whether it was Dad dying or Tim dying or just my own airheaded inability to see anything past the end of my nose.

But anyway... I don't get as melancholy this time of year as I used to, just the same niggling regrets, that I never got to know Tim as an adult, and I frittered away so much time.

Last night Barb and I went out to celebrate our fourth anniversary (four years "Official") and had a nice dinner on my Mom at PF Chang's -- which, despite all, at least has pretty good food, for truly gringo Chinese-style stuff. The drinks and dessert were awesome, as was the raw tuna appetizer.

This made me think of ljs.
Tags: october blues and greens
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